“When I Chose to Love the World, It Reflected Love Back to Me” - Misaki
“I realised the world was never rejecting me — I was the one rejecting the world.”
Before the retreat, I often felt like I was watching life from the outside.
I longed for connection, longed to be seen, longed to be understood — but carried a constant fear of not being enough.
Even when I gave, I secretly wondered how others saw me, whether I had done well, whether I was appreciated.
I didn’t realise that my giving was attached to expectation.
I didn’t realise how much of my heart I kept guarded.
I didn’t realise how much I feared the world.
And then, the retreat opened a doorway I didn’t know existed.
The Shift From Receiving to Giving
One of the most unexpected breakthroughs happened quietly.
A few of the women came to me for a hug.
Ordinarily, I would feel shy or unsure — wondering, “Why me?” or “How should I respond?”
But in that moment, something softened.
I hugged them with my whole being.
No hesitation.
No performance.
No fear.
And inside, I felt not pride or validation — but pure joy.
The joy of giving without waiting for anything in return.
For the first time, I understood that the very chance to give is a gift.
It didn’t matter who they might have hugged otherwise.
In that moment, I was the vessel.
This simple experience opened an entirely new dimension in me.
Finding My Childhood Joy Again
As the days unfolded, we danced with our eyes closed, we laughed, we breathed deeply, we created with our non-dominant hands — drawing pictures from childhood, writing messages from younger versions of ourselves.
I remembered something I had forgotten:
the joy of being fully present.
Not achieving.
Not performing.
Just being.
It felt like reconnecting with the little girl who once lived freely before fear taught her to shrink.
The Rain — My Moment of Liberation
On one of the afternoons, heavy rain began to fall.
The group rushed outside — dancing, spinning, hugging, singing loudly under the sky.
Normally, this is the exact kind of moment where I would freeze.
I would worry about being awkward.
I would stay at the edge, watching but not joining.
But this time, I stepped in.
I joined the dance.
I felt the rain wash over me.
I felt connected — not because others included me, but because I included myself.
And in that moment, something profound became clear:
It wasn’t the world that had been rejecting me.
I had been rejecting the world.
When I chose to open, the world opened with me.
Silence — and the Realisation of Impermanence
During meditation, another insight came — gentle but life-changing:
Even this body, even this life, is a temporary gift.
I didn’t need to cling to others.
I didn’t need to prove myself.
I didn’t need to chase approval.
I didn’t need to fear love or withhold love.
Instead, I could offer myself fully to the person in front of me — in that moment — without fear of what comes next.
That freedom changed the way I relate to people forever.
Living After the Retreat
Since returning home:
I worry less about how others perceive me.
I feel more comfortable offering love without conditions.
I listen with my whole body, not just my ears.
Conversations feel deeper, almost sacred.
I can sense the inner world of another person more clearly.
I feel a growing confidence that comes from within, not from outside validation.
I choose presence over perfection.
I feel connected in ways I never had before.
The retreat was not an escape from reality.
It was a training in how to live reality with more openness, courage, and tenderness.
A Final Realisation
What I discovered is simple:
Love is not something I was supposed to receive.
Love is something I can generate.
And when I do, it returns to me naturally — without effort, without fear.
This shift changed me.
It continues to change me every day.