“The Rollercoaster I Never Signed Up For — Losing My Voice to Hear My Truth” - Nishita

“Sometimes you have to lose your outer voice to finally hear your inner one.”

I didn’t know I was signing up for a ride like the one I ended up taking.
A retreat sounded peaceful — quiet mornings, gentle sessions, calm reflections.
What followed was nothing like that… and exactly what I needed.

The retreat itself was deeply meaningful.
“The journey to a still mind is long,” and for the first time, I learned real, usable tools I can go back to every other day when “the mind jumps, until it doesn’t.”

My sinus went from painful and aggravated to manageable, which felt like such a relief. I experienced full expression — “until it has not a remnant left on your body.”
It meant speaking my truth “without fear but with love, and with loving intention — not to put the other down.”
That mattered to me.

Nothing was forced.
“It was gently introduced, step by step, until your body and mind are convinced about being safe on this path.”
“Every layer was peeled slowly, till we got to the core. There was no hurry.”

But the real rollercoaster started only after I got home.

The Silence That Took Over My Life

A day after reaching Bombay, my voice disappeared.
Not a whisper.
Not a sound.

Then came weakness, fever, a BP spike, sleepless nights, and eventually the loss of taste and smell.
My appetite dropped to 40%.
I felt stripped of everything familiar.

The doctor said my larynx was perfectly healthy.
Yet my body kept shutting down.

It was terrifying.

The Purge I Never Expected

One night, drained and scared, I spoke inwardly to my cells:
“Please recover. Restore my vitality.”

That night, I slept deeply.

The next days brought memories — incidents from over a decade ago that I had never really faced.
Since I couldn’t speak, I wrote letters.
I cried until nothing was left.

And then, in the middle of that emotional release, something simple but magical happened:
my left nostril suddenly opened.
Something inside me unclogged too.

For the next few weeks, “mucus kept shifting, energy kept moving, emotions kept surfacing.”
It was uncomfortable, unpredictable — but undeniably cleansing.

Losing Conditioning, Finding Clarity

Two and a half to three weeks after the retreat, I noticed something subtle but huge: I was losing layers of conditioning — the judgments, assumptions, and automatic ways of thinking I didn’t even realise I was carrying.

My mind felt like it moved into neutral gear. I saw things just as they were. Not better, not worse — just clear.

That clarity has been my biggest shift.

Today, I’m “80% better, with 70% of my voice back.”
I still can’t sing the high notes, but I trust my body. It has been restoring itself in unexpected ways — including the strange surprise of my lifelong dandruff disappearing after weeks of recovery.

This ride has been scary, surprising, and strangely liberating.

But if this is what it means to meet yourself honestly, then yes — I would get back on.

Because sometimes, you really do have to lose your outer voice to finally hear your inner one.